Xemnas' Comment Box
by Spoodlexiii
Summary: To help concentrate the flow of complaints, Xemnas made a comment box. Inside are the stories that unfold through the papers he finds in his box. Warning: Crude themes. Beware.
1. Larxene Survivor

Larxene Survivor --- Xemnas' Comment Box

A/N: I had fun writing it, and I hope that it's funny. Please let me know, so R&R! Anyway, I don't know if it's appropriately rated, so if it isn't, let me know so I can adjust it.

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Dear Almighty Superior,

It has come to my attention of late that the idiots I live with do not appreciate the fact that I am a woman. They are constantly forgetting to put the toilet seat back down in the bathrooms and are always playing with what they call 'soft airplane stickers' and 'padded parachutes'! If you cannot educate them on the ways of a lady, then I am afraid that I will have to take my knives and castrate each of them.

-Larxene, Number XII  
PS: This Box sucks a lot, Superior. Look into a new one.

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Dear Xemmy,

I don't think that your 'women in the workplace' videos were very helpful. There's only one chick amongst us dudes, and none of us like her to begin with. She's so mean to me especially! She's always coming into my room and snapping my sitar strings! I try to be nice to her, so I don't understand her cruelty. She makes fun of my voice when I sing and it hurts my feelings. Xiggy tells me to shut up and buck up, but it hurts. I know I don't have feelings, but nobody likes to be told they really suck. I think that we should leave her in her room when she starts to bleed. Because when she bleeds she gets really mad, more so than usual, and last time she broke my sitar!

-Demyx, Number IX  
PS: I want a Sitar for Christmas.

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Xemnas,

We need to go grocery shopping. We're out of snacks and Roxas needs cold medicine. Larxene flipped out when Demyx and Xigbar replaced her make-up with all sorts of nasty stuff and she kind of threw out all of the medications after she cut them really bad. Plus, we're out of cigarettes.

-Axel, Number VIII  
PS: I really liked those 'Women in the workplace' videos. I understood them completely.

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Almighty Superior Xemnas,

It would seem that the other members of the Organization have formed two camps. Those who like Larxene, and those who don't. The people on Larxene's side include Larxene. Everyone else has locked themselves into your's truly's room. Those morons are sleeping on my floor! I suggest that you settle this problem immediately! I will berserk and kill them all if you do not deal with this problem.

-Saix, VII  
PS: Update your video supplies, Mighty Superior. That video was older than Yen Sid himself!

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Dear Xemnas,

I am afraid that you did not come back in time from the store. Xaldin tried his best to stop it, but Saix will never be the same again. You did your best, but the scar won't go away. Now, had you not dawdled at the video store along the way to find a better educational video for us, maybe this could have been prevented, but I do not doubt your almighty wisdom, Superior. I do question your loyalty to your followers, though…Anyway, Larxene has been locked out of Saix's room again, despite your attempts of integration, because of the tribal, completely primitive ritual that was held. We are not on an episode of Survivor, Mighty Superior…

-Vexen, Number IV  
PS: We aren't…are we? Also, I fear I will be the next booted off out of Saix's room…

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Dear Xemnas,

I didn't like your tone at the meetin. You yelled very loudly and Larxene could've herd you. Saix's room isn't very big and the walls aint that thick. She has very sharp knives. Saix's face looks like it hurts very much. Vexen screamed very loudly when we shoved him out as bait to feed her appetite. We hasn't heard of him since, Xemnas. I am scared. Don't yell at us no more.

-Lexeaus, Number V  
PS: why are you rocking in the corner all bys yourself?

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Xemnas,

Crying in the corner like a child is foolish. This entire thing is foolish. We should just go and face Larxene ourselves. It isn't as though the fiend is going to eat us. She didn't eat Vexen or Marluxia, right? Marluxia didn't scream when we sent him out. Besides, Roxas is throwing up in Saix's trashcan and it's getting full. The kid needs medication. I don't see why you didn't buy some while you were out looking at pornos and educational videos pre-Saix's face wreckage, but I guess that's why I think you, and everybody else, are complete fools. Get up off of your butt, Xemnas, and go scold Larxene. We can't hold out until the end of her period.

-Zexion, Number VI  
PS: If you vote me out, you are the stupidest fool I know.

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Xemmy?  
What do you mean we can't get out? Larxene's actually pounded her knives into the frame so we can't get out? We haven't eaten in about four days and I keep throwing up stomach acid. We need to get out. Ever since we voted Zexion out, she hasn't come to scream at us in the night. Maybe she's completely forgotten about us…And Xemmy, can we remove the duct tape on Marluxia? I don't think he'll start crying about the knives again.  
-Roxas, Number XIII

PS: Take away Xigbar's guns. I don't feel comfortable around him anymore…not since last night…

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Xemnas, buddy,  
Hey man. Look. Demyx keeps cheating at Old Maid--Don't ask how he does--and ever since you pulled off the duct tape on Marluxia and forced him to play with us, all he does is babble on and on about where Larxene put the knives. I can't stand playing with these guys anymore. Won't you stop bitching about how smelly it is with Roxas' barf and play poker with me? You shouldn't have taken Marluxia back if you were just going to put him in the corner to begin with. Anyway. Xigbar keeps pointing his gun at us and Xaldin is talking about putting his spear in Roxas' armory. No privacy gets to some of us, you know?

-Luxord, Number X  
PS: I'm going to put my cards in Roxas' hand soon if we don't break open the door.

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Oh god oh god the knives she put the knives in oh god oh god I think im still bleeding oh my god the pain I cant remember anything during the pain oh god xemnas stop her oh god the knives

-Marluxia, Number XI  
PS: the knives oh god the knives

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Dear Xemnas,

I hope that Roxas didn't wake you last night. Or anyone else, for that matter. He, uh, woke me up, but I put him back to sleep. I heard Luxord woke him up as well, but that was after I had, uh, put him to sleep. Axel's getting a little rash when he claims that we invaded him, don't you think? Besides, I see the way you look at him. I also see the way you stare at Saix, and I must say, it rather disturbs me. Only I can look that way, and only at Roxas, understand, Superior?

-Xaldin, Number III  
PS: If the kid weren't throwing up all over, I would've had more fun 'putting him to sleep'.

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Xiggy!  
My favorite Superior, Xemnas! Look, buddy, I'm glad we're finally out too, but come on. Calling us all those names was rather unnecessary. Sure, maybe we are a little immature, but you were in that room crying too when we heard Vexen screaming. Plus, you didn't have to promise Larxene that we'd be nice to her again. The nymph will live if we were to play with her tampons again. I think this is all your fault, anyway, for showing us that gay little video.

-Xigbar, Number II  
PS: Tell Axel that I did not play with his Roxas' guns, would you?

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Dear Organization XIII,  
I am going on a vacation. You are not permitted to follow and/or bother me in any way, shape, or form. I hate you all. Saix, your face will heal. Larxene, I'll buy you more tampons. Marluxia, your therapy is scheduled for next week. Vexen, don't touch it or it'll get infected. Roxas, just stick with Axel and keep your mouth shut about what happened in the rooms. Axel, keep an eye on your brat. Xaldin, Axel's going to catch you on fire if it happens again. Luxord, uh, go gamble with the lesser Nobodies for a while. Zexion, sticks and stones may break my bones, etc. Demyx, you'll get a new damned sitar for Christmas, stop bothering me about it! Lexeaus, grow up. And Xigbar? You're just as guilty as Xaldin.

-Xemnas, Number I  
PS; -Sigh- I hate you all.


	2. Love Potion 13

-1Episode Two: Love Potion # 13 Xemnas' Comment Box

Author's Note: I hope this one is funny too. The success of the first has inspired me to create a second. I hope this one is okay. Let me know?

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Dear Superior,

I believe we have a problem on our hands, Xemnas. It seems Xigbar was up to his obnoxious self again and he has tampered with my science lab. Not only does he eat fried chicken in my chair, he leaves not just the garbage behind, but he put the chicken bones into my experiments. If you do not scold him _again_, Mighty Superior, I may start to think you dislike me. And I may be tempted to do something very unkind to the entire Organization.

-Vexen, Number IV

PS: Even you, Superior.

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Dear Xemmy,

Was it me, or did the wine taste funny at dinner? I know I'm not old enough to officially be drinking, but Axel lets me have a sip of his now and then. I feel kind of funny and I don't want to get sick again. You remember the last time I was sick, right? And I kind of wanted to mention I felt really uncomfortable sitting next to Xaldin. He sometimes reached over and grabbed my thigh, but I didn't tell Axel. Axel gets really scary when he hurts people. Xigbar looked at me funny too…

-Roxas, Number XIII

PS: I don't know, but it seemed like Saix was staring at you funny as well. Am I missing something?

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Superior,

There is tom-foolery and shenanigans going on again. I was absent from dinner last night because unlike you all, I was actually attempting to do something for the cause of Kingdom Hearts, but it seems like everyone else is acting a little more foolish than usual. I believe those screams we heard earlier were from that foolish fool Xigbar. Luxord told me that he had foolishly attempted to openly grope Larxene. Who in their foolish minds would try to do that to her? I thought we lost our perverted-ness when we lost our hearts. Fools. I'm having some of that wine, by the way. These fools are giving me a headache.

-Zexion, Number VI

PS:…Has Lexeaus changed his hairstyle? Lost a few pounds? Is it foolish to find him…Never mind…

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Dear Diary,

The therapist says I should write everything I do in you. He said that it would help keep those dreams from coming back. Oh Diary, I don't know what to do…Ever since that wine two nights ago, things have been so strange! I was in my garden yesterday, just minding my own business when I saw him. He was with Roxas again, like he is every day, but something about him…Oh, I love him so, Diary! I haven't felt love in ages! How I want his warm arms around me! When I see him now, I can forget the knives…

-Marluxia, Number XI

PS: Diary, don't let any of your pages escape, okay? If he knew…If anyone knew! Also, I need more medication. I can't seem to find my prescription, and if I go any longer without…

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Dear Xemnas,

There is some weird shit going on right now. What do you know about it? You need to end it, Xemnas, whatever it is. The other members are causing me concern. They all want to get close to my Roxas. I'm out of cigarettes again, we're out of Cheesy Curls, and I asked you to go and rent The Breakfast Club so Roxas and I could watch it! Roxas has been clingy, so something has to be wrong. If you don't get The Breakfast Club, Xemnas…You're going to get that fireplace you've been moaning about sooner than you thought…

-Axel, Number VIII

PS: Did I just see Larxene…No, never mind.

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Dear Xemmy,

Why!? Why won't she love me!? I sat outside of her room and played all night long, but then in the morning she came out and broke my brand new sitar! The one I got for Christmas, remember? Why can't we be together? Is it because I'm a guy? Is it because of my mullet-hawk? That's it, isn't it? She wants it all gone, she hates it! If I get rid of it, she'll love me! Xemmy, I want to donate my hair to those poor naked kittens that Lexeaus was telling me about. Can you arrange that? Now, I must go announce my plan to her, and see if Larxene will like it…

-Demyx, IX

PS: Um. Did Saix lose a bet? He's practically attached to your hip…

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Supirior,

I am so happy with Zexion. He only calls me a fool twice an our and he says I have vry strong hands. He likes it when I cary him. But Xigbar keeps trying to pull Zexion away D:. I am sad when he tries. Xigbar says he can't find his true love. I am sad for him 2 but Zexion likes me very much. He says he does when he calls me a fool. But I am confused. Why do I feel this way? I don't know that I could feel.

-Lexeaus, Number V

PS: Wear is Vexen?

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Xemnas!

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU _ALL AND SPARE NO ONE!_ WHAT THE HELL IS GOING _ON!?_ I will kill each of you slowly, one by one, until this is fixed. The boys, they're practically molesting each other! Zexion and Lexeaus have this freakish thing going on, Xigbar keeps trying to grope whoever's closest to him, Axel won't let anybody thirteen feet near Roxas, Demyx makes noises like dying llamas outside of my door at night and he's shaved his head(perhaps he's trying to seduce me with his strange mating rituals?), Xaldin keeps trying to find a chance to get near Roxas, Marluxia's completely twitter-pated with Axel, and…and…I can't get him out of my head! I'LL KILL HIM! I'll kill him so no else can have him. I'll kill him so he can't love Axel. Marly is mine, Xemnas, and nobody else is allowed to touch him!

-Larxene, Number XII

PS:…Are you there, Superior? It's me, Larxene. I want to be a big girl for Marly!

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Dear Superior,

Why did you lock me in my room? I didn't mean to touch Roxas' spears again, I swear it! I can't help it! You say it's to protect me from Axel, but I think you know what this is really about. You just want to separate us from our love! We're star-crossed lovers, can't you see? Romeo and Juliet! Just because I move fast in a relationship and I skip straight to the important stuff doesn't mean I'm a pedophile! Just you wait. I'll take your Saix away from you. Then you'll see. Then you'll see!!

-Xaldin, Number III

PS: I won't forget this, Superior. Ever.

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Xemnas…

It seems I cannot find love. The drive is fading and I feel hollow. Why, why was there no love for me? You had your Saix--I saw you holding his hand!--Axel has his Roxas, and even Lexeaus and Zexion had some freaky thing going on…I have done little wrong! I fear that I have heart Vexen as well. I haven't seen him all week, and I'm concerned. Should someone check up to see if his heart is just as broken as mine?

-Xigbar, Number II

PS: Who's that bald-haired freak in Demyx's room?

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Mansex, my main man!

I'm glad you finally found out what went wrong. Vexen poisoned our wine with his stupid little potions. I guess after a week, it's finally left our systems, huh? I bet you it would. I felt a little strange, stalking Xigbar all week, but it's over now. I think things are all the same…Well, maybe not. We all won't ever talk to each other now. Nobody will play Poker with me, and I just bought new cards! These have cute little Nobodies on them! Make Vexen play with me, please? He will be spending eternity on that one world, right? I can survive living in a world inhabited by cute little monsters, so long as I can play some cards!

-Luxord, Number X

PS: Dude, the potions not working anymore. What's up with you?

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My Superior,

This has never bothered you before. We were always like this. Is it because we were so open about it during the week? We had little choice, Superior! Either way, you aren't going to let what happened pull us apart, will you? I liked holding your hand. I liked spending time with you. Can't you understand that? What's wrong with you? You know what? Forget this! Vexen was right, you _are_ a loser! I'm done! I hate you! We're through!

-Saix, Number VII

PS: -SOB-

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Dear Organization XIII,

If you found this, then I have most likely decided to kill myself and never come back. I hate you all. I'll have Kingdom Hearts in my death--that will be my ultimate bliss. Xigbar, you are partially retarded because this was your fault. Xaldin, stop raping Roxas. Vexen, Enjoy the land of Monsters (Inc.). Lexeaus, if I _ever_ see you…do…that thing again…Zexion, your therapy has been scheduled as well, but I have to say it's your own fault. Saix, we were never a couple. Ever. Axel, it's not _my_ fault your best friend is the easiest to rape. Demyx, buy a wig. Luxord, shut up and stop your bitching! Marluxia, why the hell was a page of your diary in my comment box! Larxene, uh…Roxas, why'd you let Xaldin into your room to begin with?

I can't afford to have therapy of my own, so I will end it all.

Xemnas, Number I

PS:…Damn it all. I'm out of pills. -Sigh-


	3. Psycho Pyro

Episode Three: Psycho Pyro Xemnas' Comment Box

A/N: Don't know how many more of these I'll make. I think this one's better than the last.

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Dear Xemnas the Superior,

I've been having some problems lately. You don't buy enough cigarettes and snacks, and I've been feeling a little edgy. And by edgy I mean that I accidentally caught Roxas on fire when he told me he didn't want to share his cheese curls. Please schedule a trip to the gas station into your list of 'things to do' soon, before I accidentally go a touch pyromaniac on the Organization's ass.

-Axel, Number VIII

PS: I'll start with Marluxia's garden.

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Dear Superior,

How…How could you let this happen!? It was alright when he caught Roxas on fire, but…but my garden! My therapists specifically said that I should tend to my garden more than my physical needs! I haven't eaten in three days just to make sure my little batch of babies were healthy and happy! And then…then you just let him come in and torch the place!? Why!? WHY DO YOU HATE ME!? I'm going to start cutting myself. I have so much anger and hate on the inside! I'LL TEACH YOU! -Sob-

-Marluxia, Number XI

PS: I'm going to snort an ether right up my nose too, just you watch! I'll become _bad._

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Dear Almighty Superior,

It would appear that last night, my room caught fire. I don't know who the culprit is exactly, but I will find out. I had such lovely ice sculptures inside. Once I know who this fire-demon is, I will slip poison into his food and drink. We don't want a repeat of last month, do we? I suggest you do something about Marluxia as well. He's started to rock again. Maybe you should go out and buy him a potted plant to obsess over?

-Vexen, Number IV

PS: He's started to mumble to himself as well. Maybe you should also look into a better prescription, mighty Superior?

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Dear Xemnas,

I'm going on vacation. For life. We're out of chocolate, you have been too damned lazy to go out shopping. If I don't get my chocolate for the month, our Organization will not have thirteen members, to put it simply. Axel's acting like some sort of crazy bitch and he ate all of _my_ chocolate. I made sure he couldn't feel when I was done getting it back. He won't be able to sit down very much for the next while. I'll return when I don't want my sugary cocoa-love anymore.

-Larxene, Number XII

PS: Marluxia's damned moaning woke me up in the night. What the hell is he doing in there?

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Dear Superior,

Zexion and me's was talking earlier and we think that Axel needs junk food and cigarettes to be not crazy. Roxas needed to borrow clothes from Zexion cuz Zexion's the closest in his size and Axel lighteded all Roxas' robes on fire. Roxas is short. We thinks that you should go out and buy him some cheesy curls before he lights someone else on fire cuz I don't thinks that would be very fun at all.

-Lexeaus, Number V

PS: Has you heard from Marluxia in a while?

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Yo Mansex (haha, you can't make me stop calling you that!),

It's a good thing I heard loud noises earlier, otherwise we wouldn't have found Marly in time. I was playing Blackjack with some of those Dusks that you keep in the basement of the castle. You know, the ones you called 'Kingdom Hearts' special creations'? I think one of them had a leg sticking out of its face, but anyway; I was playing with them and I heard Marly making some funny noises. Good thing I stopped him from snorting anymore of that ether! I also wish to mention that Axel has burned all of my cards. Yeah. I'm not very happy about that…WHY DOES NOBODY APPRECIATE ME!? ALL I DO IS TRY TO CONTIBUTATE AROUND HERE!? SHEESH!

-Luxord, Number X

PS: Plz play Blackjack with me. Those Dusks were special with a capital R, they didn't know the different between the front of the card and the back!

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Xemmy, dude!

You know those explosions you heard? Not me. I did _not_ tell Axel that I had cheesy curls in my gunpowder room(you know, the smelly place on the fourth floor). I did _not_ lock him in there when he realized there were, in fact, no cheesy curls. And in effect, he did _not_ have a fiery temper-tantrum and ignite everything in the room. We were _not_ the cause of those fireworks Demyx was squealing about earlier. As Axel would say--Got it memorized?

-Xigbar, Number II

PS: I think I saw Roxas trying to sneak out...

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Dear Xemmy…

Please! Please, let me go to the store! It's right next to the hospital Marluxia's at, and if I don't buy Axel cheesy curls, or even crunchy Q's, soon, he's going to burn the castle down! Why can't you just go out and buy him some snacks to hold him over? He may survive without cigarettes for a while so long as he has munchies. Heck, Xemmy, even alcohol! Please, Xemmy! He lives on a diet of that stuff, and if he doesn't have it, he greets crankier than Larxene! Oh crap--Axel's caught Demyx on fire. DEMYX, USE YOUR WATER! _USE YOUR WATERRR!!!_

-Roxas, Number XIII

PS: I am aware that I both wrote that and yelled that aloud.

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Dear Superior Xemnas,

I believe your plan is not only retarded, but retarded enough that it might just work. Let me repeat it, so I think I know what I'm doing. I go and 'play' with Roxas in that iron room you had placed inside the castle, and the sobs of the kid will alarm Axel, who will come in to ignite whoever it is who made his boyfriend or something cry, but during that few second gap in time, I will have disappeared out of the room through a portal, and once Axel is inside the room, we lock him in. It's sheer genius. Axel, who is too pissed off over the lack of snacks, will not think to transport himself out. If I get hurt in the midst of this, Superior, I will blame you nonetheless.

-Xaldin, Number III

PS: Thanks for letting me, ah, play with Roxas. Want to join ICUP? Interworldy Corporation for the Unionization of Pedophiles?

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Dear Xemnas,

That is it! I'm tired of listening to Xaldin wailing in his room. I don't care if his hair was burned off, I'm still bald from that stupid love potion fiasco! I AM UGGERLY-IER THAN XALDIN. -Sob- Luckily, my wig's coming in tomorrow! I'm so excited! It looks exactly like my old hairstyle! Anyway. Shut Xaldin up. It was his own stupid fault for trying your joke of a plan. Have you told him yet that it wasn't Roxas he was alone with in that room? And Axel immediately portal'd his way out of that room anyway--why did you think he wouldn't? We need some aloe soon, Xemnas, as we're running out fast. I hurt all over. You have to hit the store soon, and all of us are burnt too badly to go ourselves!

-Demyx, Number IX

PS: Well, except Zexion and Saix…Who are hiding in your room.

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Dear Almighty Superior Xemnas,

You said I could sleep in your bed, I heard you say it. Yes, maybe it was during the time we were all drugged with love potion, but you said it. Anytime, right? So, that's why I was there. Sometimes you act like I don't matter to you! And you know what? That kind of pisses me off, actually. I'd give you my heart (if I had one), but I'd bet you'd just throw it on the floor! You would, wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU? No, you can't have this Berserker anymore. We're through. Also, I was cheating on you.

-Saix, Number VII

PS: WITH VEXEN! DUN DUN DUN!

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Xemnas,

No he wasn't.

-Vexen, Number IV

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Almighty Superior Xemnas,

Yes I was.

-Saix, Number VII

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Xemnas,

No. He wasn't.

-Vexen, Number IV

PS: NO TAG BACKS

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Dear Xemnas,

Hurray. Whoopie. Let us celebrate. Finally, you went and bought the munchies, the cigarettes, the aloe, the playing cards, and even got me a Spiderman comic book. No, really, thanks a lot. While you were at it, though, you foolish fool, you could've gone to Hot Topic for me. I wanted Slipknot Binder paper. And ICP throw blankets. Of course, only foolish fools foolishly fooling around would make such a foolish mistake. I haven't given Axel his cheesy curls yet. I told them they were in your room. Where you are now. But they aren't. Pity you I do not.

-Zexion, Number VI

PS: Spiderman, spiderman, does whatever a spider can, spins a web, any size…

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Dear Organization XIII,

I believe you are all abusing the comment box. And in turn, you are abusing me. I hate you all. _So much._ DIE plzkthnks. Xigbar, the repairs are coming from your pocket. I'm not reSupplying you _again_. Xaldin, talk to Demyx and get the phone number for the wig place, and no, I do not want to join your freaky-ass club. Vexen, have you figured out who that insane pyromaniac is yet -Eyeroll-? Lexeaus, really, go learn how to write correctly. It hurts my brain to see your illiteracy. Zexion, if you want your emo accessories, you're getting them yourself. Saix, for the love of Kingdom Hearts, I never said you could sleep in my bed, and we aren't, nor have we ever, BEEN GOING OUT. Axel, you brought it upon yourself. I'll let you see Roxas again when you've fixed what you burned. Demyx, I don't want to know where you've been burned--really. Luxord, don't mess with the special Nobodies. They turn to cannibalism quickly. Marluxia, I suppose I'm glad you're back from the hospital. It's your room, do whatever you want…I guess…Larxene, how's Hawaii treating you? Roxas, just stay quiet. Axel can't find you in the crawlspace of Xaldin's room. Again. I hate you all. If anything like this happens AGAIN, I will go Jedi on all of your asses.


End file.
